Aries (March 21-April 19):  You will encounter a three legged man today...kick him in his good leg and walk away laughing. 

Taurus (April 20- May 20):  Your mom will step out of the shower naked today and you will catch a glimpse of her naked flesh; whistle at her like a construction worker to build up her self-esteem.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):  Grab a few quarters out of a homeless man's cup today; you've earned it!

Cancer (June 21-July 23):  Tell your boss that you quit and that he/she is a blubbering fool...when he asks you to clear out your desk, pretend that nothing happened and give him/her a blank stare. 

Leo (July 24-August 22):  You will see a stray kitten today...instead of giving it milk...give it battery acid. 

Virgo (August 23-September 22):  Take a leisurely stroll outside...and spit on everyone that passes you...if they get angry or glare at you; tell them that it is holy water that you are spitting on them....God Bless.

 Libra (September 23-October 22):   Tell your loved ones that you have a crippling disease and that you only have a few more months left to live...Once they buy you nice stuff and pamper you..tell them it was a joke. 

Scorpio (October 23-November 21):  Look at lots of porn today at work...and then forward it to your boss with a header in the subject line that reads; "How About that Raise?" 

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21):  Trash the company bathroom today at work and then brag to all the other employees about it and keep track of how many people high five you...

Capricorn (December 22-January 19):  Find the neighborhood drug dealer and invite him to dinner with your family.  See if he'll give out free samples.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18):  Smile at a trucker today...when he/she gives you the nod and the toothless grin...show your tits.

Pisces: (February 19-March 20):  Squirt ketchup all over yourself today and lay on the kitchen floor with a knife close by...When the family comes home and starts to weep relentlessly...let them carry on so you know how much they love you.  Then when the coroner comes to get you; pop up spontaneously and yell "Surprise". 

THOSE ARE YOUR WHORE-O-SCOPES FOR THE DAY...